First Love
by Cheye13
Summary: Sam still has dreams of Jess. Set around episode 5x03; includes some Sam/Jess and others; songfic to Adele's First Love; part of Project Songfic.


**First Love:** _Sam still has dreams of Jessica._

_So little to say but so much time_

_Despite my empty mouth_

_The words are in my mind_

_Please wear the face_

_The one where you smile_

_Because you lighten up my heart_

_When I start to cry_

She was sitting on a picnic blanket, wearing a white sundress that made her look like an angel.

"Hey, Sam," she said with a small smile. "Come here," she told him, patting the place next to her.

He walked to her dazedly. He sat and reached out to touch her. "Jess," he breathed as his fingertips brushed her cheek. She smiled and leaned into his hand. "I - I miss - I can't - you're so - " he began to stumble over his words, not knowing what to say first.

She put her fingers to his mouth and whispered, "Shh." She simply smiled at him as though nothing had happened. As though they were the only people alive. As though they were happy.

She pulled her hand away and leaned forward. His hands found her hair as their lips met. He could taste her, smell her, hear her, feel her - she was all there, all Jess. She moved closer and he wrapped his arms around her perfect frame.

Suddenly, Sam was staring at the ceiling of his rented room. He sighed and glanced at the clock on the nightstand and realized he'd only woken three minutes early. He tugged the covers off and stood to get dressed.

_Forgive me first love, but I'm tired_

_I need to get away to feel again_

_Try to understand why_

Sam wiped the glasses with his bar rag and set them on the tray. He wasn't really seeing his chore as he thought about his dreams.

It wasn't the first time he'd dreamt of Jessica. They'd started up again recently, soon after Lucifer had been freed. He hadn't dreamt about her this often since her death.

He'd never stopped loving her. If she showed up in front of him, unharmed and completely human, he'd take her back in a heartbeat. But he knew that was impossible, so he'd thought moving on would be best. The dreams made everything incredibly more difficult, though.

_Don't get so close to change my mind_

_Please wipe that look out of your eyes_

_It's bribing me to doubt myself_

_Simply it's tiring_

That night he dreamt she lay next to him in bed. He stared at the ceiling stoically while she twirled designs on his arm with her delicate fingers.

"Why are you here, Jess?" he asked in a voice that he forced past the catch in his throat.

"Because I love you," she answered in a sing-song voice, near a whisper, as her designs spread to his shoulder. "Because I miss you." She moved closer to him. "Because you want me here." With that she finally managed to pull his gaze from the ceiling.

"Jess…" He covered her trailing hand with his own. "I can't." He cupped her face. "You're not really here. I do want you back. But I want you with me, alive, everyday. And that's not going to happen." Her eyes dropped and his hand moved down to her shoulder. "Jess - I need to move on."

She didn't look up and he felt his heart twist in his chest for her. He was nearly certain he felt a tear fall onto his hand before the buzz of his alarm woke him.

_This love has dried up and stayed behind_

_And if I stay I'll be a lie_

_Then choke on words I'd always hide_

_Excuse me first love but we're through_

_I need to taste a kiss from someone new_

It seemed ludicrous to him that the dreams would start again now, over four years after she died. He thought he'd moved on. He thought the reason he didn't "hook up" as much as Dean was because of his principles, because of his personality, because he preferred to know the person he was sleeping with. And then later, because of the things they'd had to deal with. He'd never stopped to think, after he begun to date again, that it could be Jess, her memory lying in wait in the recesses of his mind.

But if he was honest with himself, he couldn't say he hadn't thought of her.

When he passed a tall woman with curly, blonde hair on the street, his mind snapped back to her. Sometimes, he'd hear a laugh in a bar that reminded him of hers. He didn't think of her purposely, but he never forgot her.

Sam looked up and gave Lindsey a small smile before he finished wiping down the bar. Lindsey was a beautiful, kind, caring woman. She was interested in him, fascinated by him. But he felt he couldn't take her out then dream of Jessica.

"I can't do this," he whispered again that night in his dream.

_Forgive me first love but I'm too tired_

_I'm bored to say the least and I_

_I lack desire_

Sarah had been the first. The first woman he'd looked at since Jess died; the first to make him stumble over his words like that; the first to make him smile that way; the first date; the first kiss; the first to ponder any kind of future, even a second date.

But she wasn't Jess. She was different. She was her own person, and Sam wasn't sure how to work with that.

He knew Jess would want him to be happy, to love again. But he knew it would take some time. Sitting in the car as they turned out on the highway, he wondered if he actually would ever see Sarah again.

_Forgive me first love_

_Forgive me first love_

Madison had reminded him of Jessica from the start. She was strong, smart, independent. She worked everything she could to her advantage and looked on the positive side. Getting mugged had been a turning point in her life, for the better. Sam couldn't think of many that could turn an experience like that into their favor. He admired her.

In twenty-four hours, they'd gotten to know each other and shared moments he hadn't even shared with his family. Having a woman for company was a nice change of pace and he grew instantly protective of her. He couldn't kill her without testing the cure. He just couldn't.

And then that night. Emotions had run high for the past few days and it had all reached a peak. Relief encompassed both of them and Sam thought he'd struck at least a bit of a happy ending for once. When he learned he hadn't, he wasn't devastated. Just angry for letting himself believe the best.

_Forgive me first love_

_Forgive me first love_

Ruby was fire. She was dangerous. She was a demon. She was hell.

He'd been repulsed by her and what she was, but her damn persistence weakened his barriers. She knew what buttons to push. She knew how he worked. That scared him more than anything, but it got her what she wanted.

After a year of her button-pushing, helping, teaching, changing, after a year of doing all he asked and more, he began to trust her. He didn't want to, but he did. He even began to see her as human. As a companion. He wouldn't let himself think the word _friend_.

And then suddenly one night, their lips on each others', their bodies entwining, every emotion and confusion he had pouring out of him and into her if only for those few short moments, grateful to have a companion again, someone to share with, someone to vent to, someone who understood -

But she had lied. Everything. Everything she'd done and said and shown had been a lie.

_Forgive me_

_Forgive me first love_

_Forgive me first love_


End file.
